Why Good Men Love Open Relationships (while 70% of everyone else calls it cheating)

I don’t do monogamy

It was our third date. The first two went off without a hitch. Good food. Good conversation. We were deep in the “good morning” text phase of our early courtship and the “values” conversation was closing in.

I didn’t have that much insight as to what kind of relationship Kevonté was looking for, if he was even looking for a relationship at all. Frankly, we hadn’t even had the “are you a top or bottom” talk yet.

All I knew was this man was cute, I liked how I felt with him, but I won’t be gaining any cool points by staving off the inevitable.

We sat down to dinner and I asked, “so what are you looking for?”

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Most of the anxiety I felt about telling Kevonté about being non-monogamous was based in the conversation we have in culture around the topic.

Either we’re deeply traditional and consider monogamy to be sanctioned cheating. These, in my experience, are the ones who believe that being open is having a relationship with no rule nor boundaries. Then the other camp is everyone else.

When I peal back the ideals around openness, the root of all our feelings is a deep level of inadequacy. Many of us don’t want to run the risk of losing a man we love because we let the fox in the hen house. Or we don’t want to be our boyfriend’s boyfriend.

My inadequacies around relationship stemmed from times when my feelings were disregarded. I learned, having been on the receiving end of emotional trauma, that there are three basic agreements at work in any relationship. Nailing these will help quell the inadequacies and insecurities so many of us experience in our partners, and make way for clear agreements that both (or all) involved can be comfortable with.

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