What's Working, What's Not, & How To Have a Thriving Love Life After 40 (without burning out)
June 2025 recap: you can have the love you dream about; learn from my wins and failures.
I remember Black Gay Chat
Before it was BGCLive with the stories. Before it was blue. Before the one guy was on the other guys back in the logo, it was brown. It was a haven for me, barely out the closet: my first foray into culture.
Just got back from Walmart buying a 50’ phone cable to connect my DSL modem in my bedroom to my Compaq computer in the dining room. It was my first apartment and dining room tables were very low on the priority list of the first pieces of furniture I bought.
For the first several months of an Internet connection where I didn’t have to delete the browser history, the top 10 websites were porn and BGC. One day, I got a message from freakyazzniggantex.
He was a fine ass’d “in between” boy with kinky twists. Hailed from Virginia so his accent was funny, his style was so fly and his body was amazing. That message became my first relationship and it lasted for 5 years: from 19 to 24.
He bought me liquor before I could do it for myself. He was my gay debut and since then, I’ve seen BlackBerry come and go. I’ve seen BBM turn to blue iMessages. “A/s/l” become “sups” and “wyd”. And smiles from across the bar become “sliding in DMs”.
Every relationship since that BGC connection I thought would be my last. Twenty years of trying and doing. Of starting and stopping. Of break ups and make ups. And I’m still trying.
That’s the landscape that I’m dating in—the context of my love life.
Unpacking Love, Faith, and Intimacy for Black Gay Men
Sometimes, our head tells us to move on long before our heart allows it.
Wish my knees were as young as my face
I met my childhood crush this past weekend.
He appeared in shows like Cosby Show (before the problematic narrative) and tv shows I’ve watched for decades. I liked him before I knew what gay was or before he knew he was gay.
He sought me out as a listener of the podcast. “I know who you are,” I said. “I’ve watched you since before I knew I was gay.”
“Oh, you saw reruns of The Cosby Show,” he said.
“No, I watched you when it came on tv the first time.”
He thought I was much younger than I am until I dated myself. That’s the story of so many of us: face of late-twenties; the knees of the mid-40s.
40-plus Swipe Right
Dating in our 40s is a different beast.
We’ve got 20+ years of hindsight into what not to do. Decades of dreamed dreams and hopeful engagements. But so many of us find ourselves in the dating pool once again. It’s hard to date us. It’s hard to date each other. But we still desire it.
40-plus Swipe Right is our column from Dear Black Gay Men. Contributors from the full range of men in their 40s share stories about sex and sexuality, love and loss, dates and relationships. It’s a window into the experience of millennials and gen xers who know what dating was like before Internet and during. We’re stubborn enough to know what works but flexible and hopeful enough to still look for love.
Releasing every week, 40-plus Swipe Right is for men in their 40s and those who love us.
Try these titles to start: