Why It's So Hard For Black Men To Tap Into Their Emotions
How a disagreement in my brand new relationship turned into an opportunity for vulnerability.
You’re My Priority
“Just don’t tell me about it,” Kevonté demanded.
We’d been locked in a disagreement over the phone. I absolutely loath hard conversations when we can’t look into each others eyes. There’s a layer of conversation we miss and we can’t speak to the heart of a conflict.
He’d voiced some concerns to me about our relationship and gave me his interpretation on how to resolve said problem. Following instructions is actually a forte of mine. Perhaps it’s my submissive side peaking through, but in my gut I knew there was something deeper.
I could have done exactly what he said: withheld conversation about this particular topic, but would he be fulfilled? Would the problem be resolved? And could I sufficiently execute? Too many variables and not enough answers for me to accept what he was saying.
“I know that under every ‘what do you want me to do’ is an even more important ‘how do you want me to feel’. Kevonté, how do you want to feel here?”
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He didn’t immediately have an answer. Without that nugget of knowledge, I felt like this same situation would sprout up wearing a different pair of pants.
We went back and forward about why he wanted me to do what he wanted me to do. But beyond that, we were talking in circles. So I resolved to give him what he wanted. I wouldn’t bring up this topic of contention.
That worked…until two days later.
“I want to feel prioritized.”
What vs. How
Doms and subs have two totally different jobs in relationship. I quote Gee Smalls all the time when he says “if you can’t clearly define [who] is the leader in the relationship, [you] will continue to struggle.”
He’s been in a decades long relationship with his husband and business partner, Juan Smalls. So I’d imagine his advice is sound, but even after you define who’s in charge, what next?
Doms and subs have very different jobs and when you lock in, fireworks. When you fumble: conflict. A Doms job is to define the how and subs job is define the what. Being submissive is the first step in creating relationship. It’s the soft fleshy part of a love connection. It’s the part that needs protecting.
My sister is with child right now. We talk almost weekly about how little man is progressing. First he was the size of berry. Then a plum. Now he’s 5 pounds of kicking blessing as Sarah rounds out her pregnancy and prepares for child birth.
As he develops—as anything develops—the vulnerable parts grow first then the harder exterior. Baby’s grow organs before they grow skin just as relationships grow soft submission before dominance even understands how to show up.
So as we develop something together, the sub—that is, the act of submitting to the right person—creates the connection between us but the dom solidifies it into a relationship.
The sub communicates, “I want to be safe here with you,” then the dom builds the life around those feelings that creates safety. A sub communicates “I want to feel affirmed” and the dom creates the life and relationship that is filled with affirmation.
A sub communicates what he wants and a dom develops how we will achieve that.