When You Feel Invisible In The Dating Pool (and how to finally get noticed)
The 4 reasons why eligible Black gay men stay hidden in the dating pool (and the exact fixes that took me from scrolling to in a relationship in 6 months)
I’ve seen the messages, and the DMs, and the texts when I finally said I was in a relationship. Kevonté and I have been official for a couple months now and this relationship is the most challenging and most rewarding I’ve ever been in.
But I’m no more attractive or eligible that most of our listeners and readers. I’m no more qualified at finding and keeping a man. What is the distinguishing factor between men finding relationships and those who don’t?
I’ve analyzed our nearly 50,000 monthly listeners through survey and some interviews to find out what’s keeping good men out of relationships in 2025.
Admittedly so, not every Black gay men has a dating and relationship podcast where he can talk about his love life freely and openly. If I’m honest, half the men who have dating and relationship podcasts shouldn’t, but that’s a topic all on its own.
Very early in my podcasting career, I started picking up on some of the nuances that go into securing a relationship. I talked to Jashaun and Antwone Williams-Rowans during season 5 of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast.
The two of them were disgustingly beautiful in how they walked me through their love story. From a Jack’d hook-up down the aisle with children and families in tow is the kind of love story so many of us dream about.
Or Cordae joined me for an episode. The conversation wasn’t focused on the fact that he and his husband had been married for years. But he did bring his husband with him to the studio and the chemistry between them was electric.
We’ve got stories of couples coming to the show and telling us how their love evolved. The irony is that their experience almost always flies in the face of what us single gworls do in conflict, in dating, in courtship, damn-near, throughout the whole dating process. There are 4 basic truths that 120 interviews have taught me and I used the advice almost explicitly to find my man.
Number 1: Conflict is Good
Chris McKinley joined me on the show to talk about non-monogamy (something he says he is strongly against). In the conversation, he told us that he was currently dating someone.
The strength of their love connection, at the time, was rooted in them being able to talk candidly about what they felt, especially if their opinions differed. He enjoyed the fact that his partner and he leaned into conflict because they saw it as a means to help them grow together.
What To Do When Conflict Arises
There’s three steps to addressing conflict.
(1) Ask if this is a listening moment or a feedback moment. Sometimes he’s just venting.
(2) Ask for permission to explain your perspective. Very rarely do we see conflict coming. When you feel it, ask for space to express it constructively.
Then, (3) seek to understand. Conflict only becomes argument when the two people try to be understood without first understanding.
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Number 2: Your Relationship Will Be 50/50 Over Time
Dwayne Crawford joined me on Dear Black Gay Men Podcast for an episode not related to his relationship, but the commercial breaks are when the jewels come. Dwayne had met (and married) his husband inside two weeks. He talked about when he knew this was the one and the lengths he was willing to go to keep his good man.
When I asked him about how he and his husband overcome trials, he remembers that “I have the rest of my life with this man.” He continues, “over time, everything makes sense if you keep trying.”
Almost every couple I’ve ever spoken to gave me the same advice. Single men throw in the towel to soon. Most of the taken men I’ve interviewed even say that that one big argument was what changed their relationship for the better.
What To Do When You Feel Like You’re Giving Too Much
The question that every couple has asked themselves at one point or another is, “do I care about this?”
Some conflict arises just because we’re two different people with two different perspectives trying to fit our lives together into one story. But just because you think differently doesn’t mean you care the same. Conflict you don’t authentically care about, let it go. For everything else, have faith that it will even out over time if you let it.
Number 3: Never Stop Fucking
This particular couple has asked their name not to be included in this point, but it was so big I had to include it: never stop fucking.
Most couples forget that their partner had an active sex life before they met. Most of us have been on the apps, enjoyed random hook ups from time to time, and found the joy in novelty. Don’t lose those things just because we’re committed.
How to Keep The Spark Alive
Send each other random “sup” messages. Just because you know the dick or ass on the other end doesn’t mean you have to act like you know the dick or ass on the other end. Role play like you’re each other’s random hook-up.
Reserve a Google Voice number for when you’re “in character”. Picking up on verbal cues may not be easy when you’re texting, but when this other number pops up, you know how to govern yourself accordingly.
Do random things. Nobody ever turned down head in the car or a random “meet me in the bathroom”. Your relationship should create space for you to throw caution to the wind and do some bald-headed hoe shit every once and a while.
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