The Unexpected Benefits of Being a Top Who's Built like a Bottom
I’ve found there are hidden pleasures in looking like a bottom, regardless of if I get the dick.
Much of gay culture is bravado: the constant proving of one’s masculinity, or manliness, or not-bottom-ish-ness. But when we overcome performance, get secure in our being, and allow those around us to be themselves, they’ll show up for us in unexpected ways, as long as you’re secure enough to receive them.
Men will treat you
I hung with a good friend of mine for Atlanta Black Gay Pride Weekend this year. He’s definitely all top. We have not ever entangled and we wouldn’t be compatible enough to try even if we wanted to.
We walked through the park once and back before I said “I think I’m gonna get some Jamaican food.” We stopped, looked at the menu before I said “I’m getting jerk chicken loaded fries.” He responded with his order and we got in line. The two people in front of us placed their orders and stepped aside. When we got up to the stand, my gentlemanly qualities kicked in and I let him order first. He placed his order, got his total. I thought he was going to pay and step aside, but to my surprise, he said to me “what do you want?”
Before I could figure his plan, my food and beverage were paid for because a man will treat you.
Men will protect you
A different pride event was packed silly. I’m 5’10”, so I tend to get swallowed up in a crowd. My friend who I was attending with is 6’3” and happily married. We were waiting in a longer than ideal line for a drink when, 6 feet away from us, a fight breaks out.
Before I understood what was happening, my 6’3” friend swooped me up as a human shield: Superman vibes. Moved me out the way, checked for everything to be okay before explaining to me what happened. He’d seen it all unfold while my short ass was still contemplating if I wanted cola in my whiskey. Before I could figure what was happening, he shielded me because a man will protect you.
Men will stand in the gap for you
One a random Sunday, not pride related, a friend of mine and I were out doing bald-headed hoe-shit. He bought the first round and I was fully prepared to buy the second. Time came and we headed to the bar to re-up. I ordered his beverage then mine and slid my card without a care—even turned around to watch the passers-by head to the dance floor.
Barkeep taps my shoulder, “Your card didn’t go through.”
The next 6 minutes were a frantic mad dash through my banking apps to wonder what had happened. Low-and-behold, my direct deposit didn’t clear, Zelle wasn’t acting right, and now I’ve got a bar tab for $46 and no funds readily accessible. It’s a bad bitch’s nightmare, especially since I carried my little purse that only fits chapstick and audacity. Clearly, I brought way too much audacity and left my back-up credit card.
Before I knew it, my friend came behind me, dropped his card and said, “Meaningful friendship I more valuable than drinks in plastic cups. Never forget.” I was ass out and embarrassed, but a man will stand in the gap for you.
I can’t say that any of these examples can be attributed to the size of my ass or the sugar in my tank. But men—good men—are always looking for opportunities be both of those: good and men. Good men welcome opportunity to show up and be present. They look for ways to lighten the load of the people they care about. And good men gladly give of themselves to those who are open to receive.
I never asked for meals or drinks, I never expected someone to activate for me on any of these fronts, but I do encourage these men every other day. My friend circle is built with magnificent gay men whom I sew into regularly. I want the best for them and show them in ways they can receive. In creating that environment for old and new friendships to thrive, paying for a meal or protecting me in a fight becomes the least they can do. My height and the size of my ass, with those considerations, are of no consequence.
The odd part of all of this is I hear “men ain’t shit” and “ the dating pool is trash”. To those men, I wonder what are we putting into the world to attract those kind of experiences. In the three years I’ve been podcasting, I’ve spoken to men with good jobs and even better hearts that want nothing than to share themselves with others. I’m clear that I’m manifesting a certain kind of energy around me. And, when I need it or don’t, I can cash in that energy in small ways and large.
My friend at the park, and at the pride party, and at the club, all show me that if I put out good energy it will come back to me in direct proportion. I believe the dating pool is filled with men that provide, men that protect, and men that will stand in the gap. And I get that back in full force from so many listeners, readers, and friends all the time. My friend circle and my dating pool are lit.
So, dear Black gay men, your part of the dating pool may have piss in it, but mine is lit. Once you fix your energy, I’ll be holding a spot for you.