Manifesting My Relationship
I don't know how to do this, but here goes nothing...
I Don’t Know How To Do This
March of 2024, Team Dear Black Gay Men was on a Google Meet and we had to prepare for a shoot. The cameras were at my house, but the hard drives and memory cards were at one team member’s house. The mics were in a third location and lights were in a fourth.
The team was on a Google Meet trying to strategize how to get all these things to one location so we could pack for the shoot in Washington, D.C. That second, I had a dream: by September (season 4) we’ll have a studio. August 1, we got the keys.
Now, fast forward to March 2025, and I have another shiny new opportunity in front of me: Kevin. Couldn’t I just say declare that we’ll be together my September and watch the universe do it’s thing?
I didn’t know how to open a studio nor run it. But I said it would happen and so it did. Can relationships work the same way? Can’t I just manifest my relationship and let the chips fall where they may.
Maquan Weighs In
Like most of my best ideas, I talked it through with my best friend, Maquan. He is the Gayle to my Oprah and the peanut butter to my jelly. For every problem that doesn’t get to therapy, Maquan.
I didn’t have an answer; we literally were just talking through the problem when Maquan said, “I think it’s because they’re emotions involved.” For a minute, it felt like he might be on to something when I thought to myself (and out loud), “I love my studio.”
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There is not an equation of life where this studio and I could part on amicable terms. If I fail at this, there are emotional and financial implications just like a relationship. The stakes, I thought, are just as high if not higher. Which lead me back to the drawing board about why I can’t manifest my relationship.
Being Black is Hard to Do
As a culture, much of what we know to be true—those cultural ideals that withstand time, geography, and genealogy—are gifted to us from the ancestors. And, in 2025, our ancestors are the enslaved and the recently freed.
A lot of our cultural story, so we’ve been taught (but not actually), starts at the period of enslavement for reasons we can’t control. My father immigrated from Kenya, so even the potential for my family tree to not be littered with strange fruit and chains is an anomaly.
For a lot of us, Maquan and I to say the least, our culture of hardworking Black mena and women value industry over emotion. Our grandpeople showed us the power and meaning of hardwork, and they did so with a stiff upper lip and an ironclad work ethic.
You start a business: while everybody might not have a resounding “You can do it”, the overarching theme, I’d wager, is support. You say to the same people, “I’ve met somebody” and the same supporters have turned into “who are they’re people? Where they from? And are you sure?” Culturally, as I see it, we approach business with a lot more risk tolerance than we approach love. But why?
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I Don’t Want To Waste My Time
This entrepreneurial journey has showed me bits of myself I didn’t know I had. It’s funny how tough times—those weeks when I didn’t know how/if I’d make payroll, the months awaiting sponsors to pay invoices, the nights of second guessing if I’m crazy or not—showed me exactly who I was.
Just like in business too, the tough times show me who I am. The arguments show me what I really value. The disagreements show us how we operate as a dating situation or a couple. But the biggest difference is that I approach business with this trouble-be-damnd mentality. I declare that Dear Black Gay Men must work because I will not will into existence a future where it doesn’t.
But in relationship, I approach with a much more if-it-happens-it-happens mentality. I’ve just accepted that so much of dating is left up to chance and circumstances beyond my control that I’d much rather take my hand off the wheel and let this thing play out than make an early, intentional commitment. I know for me, the fear is that I’ll give, and try, and do, and end up with a month’s long waste of time because he isn’t as committed as I am.
The Problem Is…
So many of us look at the difference in the commitment we have to our lives compared to the commitment we have to our loves and think the issue is the people. And that’s half right.